I'm Sorry

I just had the most humbling experience.

This past Sunday was the stake activities meeting after church.I had told everyone to plan on me not being there, as my family was taking a trip to Williamsburg & we were planning on being gone all day Sunday. Everything was set in place - John was going to be in charge, emails were sent to the people supposed to come, and I had sent all the information that needed to be covered. Everything was all worked out.

So a couple days earlier, I think on Friday, I found out that my parents decided to come home early. I would be home all day Sunday. I thought great! Then I thought about how dumb I would feel showing up at a meeting with such late notice, with all the preparation that had gone on for my absence- John leading, already giving him all the info, already telling everyone how I wouldn't be able to make it.

So, I decided not to go. I felt slightly bad about it, and it kept bothering me. But my fear of embarassment, and I don't know what else, got the best of me. My desire to balance? My desire for a free afternoon to nap, read scriptures, relax with family? So I went to the King George branch that morning and watched the primary program, and stayed home until 5, when I left for the regional YSA activity meeting.

I felt kind of sick about it, but figured it would all be handled, and it would be alright.

Well, yesterday and today I've been struggling... actually probably the last week or two. With my whole attitude. Just not feeling close to the Spirit... having a really hard time praying, and not feeling anything. So today I got sick of feeling this way, and decided to force myself to study the scriptures and think about what I could be doing wrong.

So I read a bit from the Old Testament, and then decided to read some of D&C, and then read some of the Conference talks.

I was skimming through the Ensign when an excerpt caught my eye. I ended up reading "Preparation in the Priesthood: I Need Your Help". Sounds like a random talk, right?

What a humbling, hurting wake up call

What is that scripture, that the guilty taketh the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center?

In the talk, Pres. Eyring says to not worry about how inexperienced you are or think you are, but think about what, with the Lord's help, you can become. His counsel focuses on hard work, and pushing through fatigue and fear that might make you think of quitting. It was very inspiring, and held a lot of counsel that really applies to my life at this time. Then I read this experience he gave.

"President Spencer W. Kimball... had given years of service while enduring a series of health challenges only Job would understand. He was chairing the meeting that morning.

Suddenly, he stopped speaking. He slumped in his chair. His eyes closed. His head fell on his chest. I was seated near him. Elder Holland was next to us. The two of us rose to help him. Inexperienced as we were in emergencies, we decided to carry him, still seated in his chair, to his nearby office.

He became our teacher in that moment of extremity. With one of us lifting each side of his chair, we went out of the meeting room into the hallway of the Church Administration Building. He half opened his eyes, still dazed, and said: "Oh, please be careful. Don't hurt your backs." As we got near his office door, he said "Oh, I feel terrible that I interupted the meeting." Minutes after we got him into his office, still not knowing what his problems were, he looked up at us and said "Don't you think you ought to go back to the meeting?"

We left and hurried back, knowing somehow our being there must matter to the Lord.

Ouch.

This story struck my heart. Tears came to my eyes as I realized what my problem has been this entire week.

The humility and goodness of Elder Eyring's example made me feel so ashamed of my attitute. What an example of Christlike behaviour Pres. Kimball was to have such concern for others and for the Lord's work.

I felt absolutely sick about my attitude and behaviour after reading that. I immediately prayed to my Father in Heaven for apology and forgiveness. Even after, I still feel sick about how I've been, how my attitude has been. We are all called to the work, to be the best we can be.

I think I will continue to feel sick until I make action to make it better, and prove I will change my ways.

I am so, so sorry for not being willing to sacrifice. I'm so sorry for letting a stupid fear of embarassment and what others would think of me get in the way of what the Lord has called me to do.

I promise I will never let it happen again. Not ever. I swear it. I am completely dedicated to the Lord's work, to serving Christ, to doing what He asks me to do. Obviously, I am far from the perfect servant. But I never, ever want to feel like that again. To feel like I disappointed my Heavenly Father, and my Saviour, who has done so much for me. I never want to feel like that again. I am so sorry.

I know this is a really long post, and usually I don't post super personal things up.

I know this doesn't seem like a big dramatic thing, but it meant and means a great deal to me.

But I thought maybe this experience could help someone, and I thought it was important that I share it.

I know that when I feel far from our Saviour, from the Spirit, it's not His moving away from me, it's my moving away from Him. He would never leave me. It's my choices & my actions that lead to that.

 I will never, ever let something come between that closeness with God.

If I feel that distance, I am going to find out what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it immediately

I know it will be worth it

I know that's where true happiness and peace lies

and that is my experience for today. I will never forget it.